I've been putting it off for the last 2 months Now it's reached that point, it's finally got too much, oh yeah I'm finally doing the garden My wife sits me down She looks my straight in my eyes And said you can't just sit round All day playing, Mega Drive Oh yeah, it's time you should be doing the garden Doing the garden Doing the garden Doing the garden Doing the…

How can it be this cold in the middle of May? But I've said what I'll do, and I'll do what I say, oh yeah I probably should be doing the garden I put on my coat, can only find one glove Then I say goodbye to the ones I love, oh yeah I'm almost definitely doing the garden Doing the garden Doing the garden Doing the garden Doing the garden I don't wanna go out there, cos it's just so cold I don't wanna go out there, i just feel so old But there's a big patch of moss, where there once was a lawn I look back at my family, all so cosy and warm So yeah… why am I doing the garden? Didn't wanna go out there, cos it's so cold Didn't wanna go out there, I just feel so old When I get out there, I see it's not so bad When I get out there, I feel like my Dad I've been putting it off for the last 2 months But it's reached that point, it's finally got too much, oh yeah I'm finally doing the garden Doing the garden Doing the garden Doing the garden Doing the garden Doing the garden Doing the garden Doing the garden Doing the garden

I swear that I put my spade down But I've got no idea where it is now Oh this is just what I need I've got a bunch of old trees I've gotta try and dig up with a trowel Now I'm furious with Mother Nature I’ve got a rage I cannot keep in I summon terrible forces You can see all the corpses Poking out of my garden waste bin, I've got Moss killer, weed killer Mass herbicide Moss killer, weed killer Better stay on my side If you wanna stay alive... I look back at the damage I've done As I reload my Roundup spray gun What people tend to forget is When it comes to eugenics If you look at it right, it's quite fun Now I don't think that I'm the villain ‘Cos I would kill and die for my lawn And now a couple of toys and Just a smidgen of poison Make the undesirables gone, I've got Moss killer, weed killer Mass herbicide Rat killer, bug killer No pest left alive I'm here to terrorise... Now I don't want you thinking you're safe If I don't think you're in the right place Cos sometimes it seems My definition of weeds Can be whatever is left in my way So if you think about it long enough There is really no difference between, nettles Dandelions and docks And your beloved dogs Cos they are all just a nuisance to me Rat killer, bug killer Mass pesticide... Rat killer, dog killer Moss killer, weed killer Mass genocide… Cat killer, bug killer No pest left alive I'm here to terrorise

You, were meant to be my best friend Now I’m picking up the pieces Bag in hand, looking just like Sherlock Holmes I inspect the lawn for feces Dammit, I guess this is growing up It’s not what I expected when we first picked up the pup But now I serve in the name of the turd Pockets filled with poo bags I think this is absurd And my new lawn, it died when you were born Now i see why, that guy from the Eels likes… birds When I get to work tomorrow And they ask what I’ve been doing Should I tell them that I spend all my free time Discovering where you've been pooing? Dammit, it's happened once again It’s not what I expected, I think I need a new best friend But now I serve in the name of the turd Pockets filled with poo bags You know I would have preferred To get a cat, a guinea pig or rat Or hamster, chinchilla, this vicious, lawn killer, makes me, wish that I liked Birds

The grass is sodden from the rain I trod in dog poo on the way I can't be bothered anyway, but I'm here My dear, so let's just get this damn thing planted My spade gets stuck into the ground There’s clay and tree roots all around This may be the thing that strikes me down, but I'm here So we're, just gonna finish what we started The pace is slow, yes (but) We're making progress, I go to dig a hole, but Then before i know it There's a chicken in the way Where did she come from? She's got her bum on My new rhododendron A chicken in the way Where did she come from and And are you tryna ruin my day? I try to reason with it first My god, this chicken is the worst It feels like Swampy in reverse, but I'm not cutting Down trees, I just wanna get this stupid plant in My wife and child think it's great Ask me to smile while they take, photos I know that will document the day, of my First breakdown that a tiny little bantam started I try and bribe it I threaten violence I run out of ideas and I lie face down and cry, cos there's a Chicken in the way Where did you come from? This ball of fluff come To make me look redundant A chicken in the way... It's not my day She looked into my eyes and seemed to say No one respects you.. You just wander round here and take up space You do nothing of value, did you Ever stop to think, maybe you're the one Getting in the way? Not again Not again Not again When will it end Not again Not again Not again When will it end There's chicken in the way It's not my day She's got me now, she's gonna make me pay A chicken in the way She wants to fight me We speak then I see More existential crises A chicken in the way Is here to stay I'm going down the pecking order More and more every single day Chicken in the way Chicken in the way

Building a base Building a base Building a base Building a base for a shed Yeah a base I'm building a base I’m building a base I’m building a base for a shed A shed! A shed! Yeah we need! Timber (and sharp sand) And pegs and (a hammer) An edger (earth rammer) A spirit level too, a (Spanner) or socket set (Your father) or better yet A friend who's really going through Some stuff and who your wife told you Could really use something to focus on Even if that thing is Building a base Building a base Building a base Building a base for a shed What do we need...? Yeah we need more! Yeah we need more hardcore! Yeah we need more hardcore To even up this floor Yeah we need more hardcore To even up this floor Yeah we need more hardcore To even up this floor Yeah we need more hardcore ‘Cos we’re looking at an uneven floor And we are Building, building, building, building, building, building, Building a base for a shed!

Ibuleve Ibuleve Ibuleve Ibuleve Ibuleve Ibuleve Ibuleve

I try my best to be a decent guy I try to be there for my kids and wife I try and treat the planet Earth just right A pessimist living a positive life, so in The corner of my garden there's a little space A compost bin where I keep all of my food waste Carrot tops and spuds I don't throw anything away, I got a Beautiful garden, A love-ly home And rats in the compost (oh oh oh) I tell myself that this is all ok I tell myself that this is nature's way I tell myself this is the circle of life, or Something like that, oh Christ that's a big one The corner of my garden's probably just fine, I'll just Try not to think about that thing I saw online Or what a massive nest of rats would actually look like They're big and they're upsetting And that's their home Rats in my compost (oh oh oh oh) Rats in my compost Rats in my compost Rats in my compost In my compost Rats in my compost That corner of my garden now belongs to them A place in my own home that I will never see again But if I get sad about it, then I just remember when I saw the alpha male get up just like this Onto his hind legs, looked at me and hissed It's probably just safer if I stay at home, cos there's Rats in the compost (oh oh oh oh oh)

Bindweed, nowhere to go! Bindweed, nowhere to go! No! Bindweed, nowhere to go! Bindweed, nowhere to go! No! Oh hey there, bindweed! What's going on? I see you all alone in the middle of this bed with nothing to cling onto You normally sneak in between the leaves of some poor unsuspecting viburnum But now you're out here stranded, I’m gonna dig up your roots and burn 'em I will hunt you down, and find you Now you’ve got nothing to bind to Bindweed, nowhere to go! Bindweed, nowhere to go! No! Bindweed, nowhere to go! Bindweed, nowhere to go! No! Bindweed, nowhere to go!

You are festering On my new penstemon And I hate you You’ve got me fired up tonight You are scum to me Better run from me, you gastropod I’m gonna find you with this light Cos if you eat my bulbs I’m gonna salt your soul And if you eat the best Of all my flower beds And if you eat the rest Of all my homegrown veg. I’m gonna feed your corpse To my fav(o)rite snake And if you climb the rake With that slime you make You might think you’re safe But you won’t escape I’m gonna drown you Drown you in beer now You are festering An ugly mollusc-king And I hate you I’m gonna find you with this light You are disgusting, you gastropod And now I’m out here In the middle of the night Cos if you eat my bulbs I’m gonna salt your soul And if you eat the best Of all my flower beds And then you eat the rest Of all my homegrown veg. I’m gonna feed your corpse To my fav(o)rite snake And if you climb the rake With that slime you make Then you might think you’re safe But you won’t escape I’m gonna drown you In the salty tears of your family...

Damn you dog, you dug up my bulbs Damn you dog, you dug up my bulbs Stupid dog, you dug up my bulbs Awful dog, you dug up my bulbs Stupid dog, you dug up my bulbs Ridiculous dog, you dug up my bulbs Odorous dog, you dug up my bulbs Murderous dog, you dug up my bulbs I hate you dog

In my shed, yeah in my shed I can act like a tool And I wonder why I'm… In my shed, and in my head I feel rusty and old But I might just have a purpose The window's a tarp Doubles up as a curtain Messages left unread I'm in my shed, all the words you said Drift away with the sawdust That's piling up here In my shed In my rusty head Nothing needs to be said Floorboards… Great ventilation! Keeping it fresh While the roof is just falling down I want to stay here on this crooked shelf I know it sounds weird but, This is the one place Where I can be myself In my shed, yeah in my shed I can act like a tool And I wonder why I'm… In my shed, and in my head Nothing needs to be said Nothing needs to be said Nothing needs to be said

When I’m dead and gone, The spreadsheet wonders I’ve been weaving Will all just die with me Leaving nothing for the grieving Family to see and say “Look, he did all this by himself” My eulogy will mostly be Some shortcuts in Excel But I want to leave something behind Something that really matters so I will make my family proud And I will build a patio So that my kids will tell my grandkids “Look, he did all this by himself Let's raise a glass to grandad He was really something else" (Then just) when I think that I've secured My legacy for sure And even though we've got a bell There's a loud knock at the door Oh, Dad. Oh, hi. Are you here cos you can smell the DIY? If not why, did you decide that you'd just come and drop by? I don’t know what you want to do Or what you’re here to see I'm pretty sure that I've got everything I need And no one can help me Dad says hi and steps aside And I cannot believe my eyes Oh why oh why has he arrived With all these tools and these supplies He says "I've got stacks of sandstone slabs And I don't want to bore you Or just tell you what to do, so tell you what I'll do it for you!" I close the door, and head out back To do a silent scream Standing in a puddle Where the patio should be I don’t know what you want to do Or what you’re here to see Or how grateful you're expecting me to be Cos no one can help me No one can help me My wife tries to calm me down Saying we've been through this before Then, even though we've got a bell There's a loud knock at the door “Hi son” says Dad “The door blew shut And while I'm here I'll get it fixed Your Uncle Trevor’s here to help With all the heavy lifting bits. You should prob’ly put the kettle on While we do all the tricky stuff Two sugars for your uncle Trev But none for me, I’m sweet enough Oh, Dad. Oh, hi. I'm sure you're being helpful in your mind And that's fine. So please tell me what I've done wrong this time… Every time I try and try To do something myself Here comes Dad and some mouth-breathing uncle To offer their unhelpful help I don’t know what you want to do Or what you’re here to see I've really got to do this thing for me I want show my family that I can do this by myself I don't remember asking for your help Then my wife says Stop! He's not trying to be difficult He doesn't think that he's above you You know he does this stuff for you Because men his age can't say "I love you" Try and think of this as bonding time With just you and your Dad He might wind you up right now But he's the only one you have He won't be around forever I just think he wants to prove He can do this by himself and still be of use Why don't you just let him help you? No one can help me No one can help me

Tired all the time Tired all the time Just so tired all the time Tired all the time Tired all the time Tired all the time I’m just so tired all the time Tired all the time (I don’t feel anything but) Tired all the time (Just extremely) Tired all the time (Very very) Just so tired all the time (My shed’s collapsing and I’m) Tired all of the time

You know last year That night we had that storm So much wind that it Blew my fence right to the floor Now I look at it Sat outside my door It’s in pieces and I just can’t stand it any more I could take it to the dump I should take it to the dump I will take it to the dump this afternoon First we need to have some lunch What we gonna have for lunch? I should take it to the dump, I should take it to the dump! I don’t feel great When things break, they cannot be saved I put it off for ages Feel like I am failing But then I break Cram a load of stuff in the car again Then I stop to think, who’s cooking dinner? There’s a hoover Laying on the floor Near the shed ‘cos it Won’t suck any more Now I look at it Right outside my door Why is this still here I just can’t stand it anymore I could take it to the dump I might take it to the dump I will take it to the dump this afternoon But then I fall into my chair And just sit and sort of stare Will I take it to the dump? I will take it to the dump! I don’t feel great When things break, they cannot be saved I put it off for ages Feel like I am failing But then I break I cram that broken stuff in the car again Trying not to think that I am the hoover

I tried my best to shift this mess From point A to point B, and then a Sudden sense of pointlessness Appears and said to me “For all the effort you've put into this I think it's pretty strange That you look back on all those things you did And not that much has changed, and you can Make big plans, main- Tained this landscape Work until your Neck and hands ache All your best laid plans have Gone to waste This place was once so great For family and friends But now the rats’ new place just takes up space And the shed has been condemned For all the effort you've put into this The blood and sweat and turf When you look back at all the things you did Will you think that it was worth it? To have Made big plans, main- Tained this landscape Work until your Neck and hands ache All your best laid plans have Gone to waste You can make big plans while Your whole family Gathers round and wrings their hands, they Love you and forgive you and they Want you, to know they Worry, about you And you say Please don't try to tell me What I need to do You said no one can help me And they never really do Please don't try to tell me What I need to do You said no one can help me And apparently that’s true Please don't try to tell me What I need to do You said no one can help me And they never really do Please don't try to tell me What I need to do You said no one can help me Well apparently that’s true Please don’t try to tell me I don’t need to worry Say no one can help me That’s not true… I've been putting it off, for the last two months But it's reached that point, it's finally got too much, oh yeah...